Todays thoughts are about a topic that really resonates with me: the constant need to please or impress the people around us. I am so guilty of this. I wish I wasn’t. But I care way too much what other people think.
… It’s a rhetorical question, really
Even though the title of this blogpost might suggest that I have the answer to the question why we care so much about the opinion other people have about us, I really don’t know. Or, not entirely anyway. I read in Yuval Noah Hararis “Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind” that because humans evolved to live in groups, it was important that people liked you. This makes perfect sense to me. Say nobody liked me, and I would be all alone: even in the world we live in today, that would be incredibly dangerous. Not just in a physical sense, being an easy target for “predators”. But also in a health sense. Loneliness can lead to a number of mental & physical illnesses. So having a group of people around you is incredibly important for health and well-being.
But I already have an amazing group of friends, why do I still care so much?
This is the part that I don’t know. I have a very stable social network, consisting of an amazing partner, family, and friends that almost feel like family. And, this is such a flex, I am in the very fortunate position of knowing so many people, it’s hard to find time to be with all of them. I actually had to make it one of my New Years resolutions to make more time for friends & family.
Yet I still very much care about what other people, strangers, think. Maybe it is in my nature to be friends with everyone? I doubt it. Do I want to please everybody around me? Might be. What I do know for certain is that I want everyone that meets me to have a positive impression of me. Take my job as a sports therapist for example. I want every patient to think that I’m super friendly, caring, competent. Even if they aren’t friendly to me. I hardly ever stand my ground, as to not upset other people.
At what point does it turn into a problem to please other people?
Now I don’t think it is a bad trait to want to be liked by other people. Or to be nice to them, even if they aren’t particularly nice to you. I always think that you never know what a person is going through, and why they behave the way they do. So reacting with kindness probably isn’t a bad idea, generally.
But when trying to impress or please other people turns into everything you care about, that can be problematic. I think we have to find a balance of caring and simultaneously not caring about other people’s opinions. This is the part I struggle with, the problem I can’t solve…
Alright then, what now?
I think I have made a very big and important step in my journey today. Acknowledging not only to myself, but also to you lovely lot, that I care too much about what other people think is essential in moving on. If you’re not aware of a problem, you can’t do anything about it. I encourage you to be really honest to yourself: do you, too, care too much about the opinions of other people? You don’t have to admit to it online like I did. But becoming aware of it is absolutely necessary.
What do we do about it then? The easiest thing to say would be to “just ignore everybody around you” and just focus on the positive things and people in your life. But it unfortunately isn’t that simple.
Something that I started doing recently is this: whenever I find myself in a situation fearing that I have upset a random stranger (usually a patient) I ask myself if I’m still going to care in a months time. More often than not, the answer is no. And then I just let it go. Move on. Be kind to the next person. I have found that once the person disappears out of my life, they also disappear out of my mind. Since I’m working in rehab, this happens a lot. People come and go. You can’t be best friends with everybody. You don’t like everybody either. It’s normal.
… But this doesn’t work for me
I appreciate that this strategy probably won’t work for everybody or every situation. The beauty of my job is that I have to deal with people for a maximum of 5 weeks. Co-workers not included. If that’s not your situation, here are a few more tips:
- Focus on the people that love and support you. It is much more important how they see you than what strangers think of you.
- Don’t forget that you need to like yourself first. Don’t bend over backwards to make other people happy!
- Some people are just not going to like you, no matter how nice you are to them. There are people in my life that have never done anything mean to me and yet there is something about them I just don’t get on with.
If you struggle with wanting to be liked by other people as much as I do, and have helpful tips, please make sure to leave them down below! They are much appreciated.